What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

We all went to grammer schools

Comes on , in middle age.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

He resisted the act ,that day.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

Why do I sweat (mostly on face) when I eat usually spicy food?

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

Im dying but, im not bitter.

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I couldn’t, believe it.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

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Ive learnt so much.

My family never makes their pension either.

She found it foreign!.

What are some tips for balancing chores, work, and family life as an adult with children?

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

The only rule us 5 kids had .

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

I was scared of men, in general

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I think the readers, may guess!

She married twice! .

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

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Thats was my nicest nick name for him

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

But ive been too sick for many years..

What would happen if the Earth stopped spinning for one minute?

Especially a lifetime of it.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

And i lived it daily.

I will be 64.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

She loved him until the end.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

Im still living with it.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

But it wasn’t much.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

Was to survive, this bastard.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

She was in good health!

My life is so biszare .

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

(And it was in our own minds.)

They are buried together, in the same grave..

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

When she asked me how she looked .

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

What did i know ?

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

All the time i was locked up.

This is soul school!.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

I never cut or harmed myself..

I have no regrets .

I waited trembling.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

It was going to be , some day.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

We were not on the streets..

I know ,a lot about trauma.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

I said to her

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

Would this be the day?

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

I was 9 years of age.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

Put me off passion for life!!

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

I was very sick at this time too.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

I write beautiful poetry .

I don,t even have a pension.

Who then, do I blame.?

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

I had hoped to write a book about this .

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

So whats the point in blame.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

And who doesn’t know suffering?

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

As i do to all so called friends.?

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

One cannot live in the past .

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

She wouldn,t have been !

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

I could never make a relationship work though!

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

So, i spoilt her more .

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

I was seconnd youngest,

My mum and dad in the seventies!

On the 31st of Jan this month .

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

Why did i forgive my father ?

But, we were locked up after school.

He knew the spot.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .